theres no poet left in me. ive been told these rants i go on have some meaning but ive recently found that pretty much everything i do might have an affect but no overall meaning. i have my highs. my naural highs of insanity and crazy uncontrolable energy that dont seem to go away. i have panic and anxiety attacks out of nowhere. i have misguided angst and nothing to prove yet the feelings dont escape. ill lay on my bed totally knocked out. just fuckin spun out. completley drug free. but ill feel like ive had 3 vicodin. then ill be bouncing off the walls.
and the fear. that fuckin paranoia fear that takes me over. it gets old. ill sit in this very spot stunned and speechless mouth wide open drooling all over the place. i just wont believe the shit thats just piling up. and it wont go away. honestly though. what friends. i have some people i trust. i wouldnt even call it trust with some of them but thats ill i have. i have many friends. people i used to confide in or thought i could trust. then i have the people i know im never gonna trust. and the shit that ive let go or just not mentioned? its always in the back of my mind. im not a very forgiving person...
and then there are people i THINK im close to and i THINK i can trust and then i find out otherwise. it sucks. even family. i just dont know. i always expect people to have a hidden adgenda and they usually do. i expect the worse only to be hit with the 'even worse.'
and my parents have asked me "why dont you aim higher scholasticaly?" and ive simply replied "so i dont disappoint myself." then im ofcourse attacked with the "dont try and be a victim" speech and i tune out 3 seconds into it. they are good people but i wonder about their motives sometimes. MY BEST INTEREST? i question it.
im just sick of everyone. not to mention hurt a little but that will go away sooner or later.
while im waiting for that im gonna go get fucked up.
night
