Good Fucking Bye (April 16, 2008 - Wednesday)

I'm tired of being bored. I'm through with the headaches.

I was just thinking today about people. their nature and pride. battling for the ever so inviting place as 'top dog' or whatever. i was just thinking about the shit people do to each other, and how they hurt each other. and i really dont understand it. i mean, theres people i hate and i love to physically and emotionally wreck, but i dont. what i dont get is when people do it out of pure coldness. just for the sake of being an asshole. this is something i will never fathom, and ill take that as a blessing.
for my next act:
sometimes i wish these friends in my life would fade away. ive had it happen so many times and i guess i can deal with it again. i think of my life before and after certain people and weigh the gains and losses. maybe i have too much time on my hands? luckily, i dont post the pages of this shit i have written. GAIN-one more friend to talk to. LOSS-one more person to have to listen to. GAIN- one more person to fight with. LOSS-one more person to fight with. Do you see a pattern? hmmm...maybe i love controversy. or maybe controversy loves me. well, at least theres a mutual exchange going on there for once. score 1 for team christi!
im looking out the window right now and its pitch black. theres some plane flying by and for some reason i wish i was on it. going somewhere far away like hawaii or california or some cliche getaway. give this week or even day some meaning or goal: to go somewhere. to be somewhere. to be with someone. shit i dont even know if im gonna wake up tomorrow. what if all of a sudden i stoped breathing. how would my friends find out? what would my family do. i think ive said "hail satan" too many times to go to heaven... and i think ive insulted the pope too many times for purgatory. they'd send me straight to hell. i think my mind is running away again. suppose its on a plane or something. trying to be somewhere, anywhere but here.
i think my mind is in a permanent stage of distress, crying out even when everythings alright. maybe even preparing itself for complete implosion.
ive been dreaming about decay for the past while. decay and its lovely partner. the partner who i can taste. i wish this feeling, this cloud would just leave me. i close my eyes and i see it. and i wish it would just take me instead.
GO HERE NOW!
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